There is possibly nothing worse than a tube train at rush hour, especially when your general rule of thumb is "minimal contact with other human beings". This rule applies not only to public transport but public footpaths and any other circumstance when you are exposed to 'the public' (something i try to avoid at all costs). Although the rule is relatively easy to uphold on the pavement once one has perfected the 'dance of the Londoner', it is far less straightforward when forced to squeeze into a tube train carriage, with the result resembling a tin of sardines...well...once you imagine the fish as disgruntled commuters, the smell more similar to that of a tramp and the tin as blisteringly hot and being chucked through an underground tunnel at high speeds.
Although my daily commute into the city centre does not start until September, I thought I should prepare myself by thinking of some ways to increase personal space on those underground nightmares.
1. It is pertinent to always have something on the ol' iPod that is mildly (or incredibly) offensive. It is then necessary to turn it up very loudly for maximum impact. This experience may not be so enjoyable to yourself, either because of the music or merely the volume, however neither will all the people around you. A good snarl or something similar will also help the process of scaring your commuting neighbours.
2. An infectious-looking (or sounding) cough can also do wonders. Add in a sneeze or two and you'll be laughing. If people want to invade your personal space then they should be prepared to deal with the consequences! If the rest of London commuters are anything like me, and I'm sure many are, then more space will miraculously appear around you very quickly.
3. Pretend you're pregnant and you might even get a seat! (Not recommended for any male readers) This is obviously less time consuming than actually getting pregnant, however can result in soaring levels of guilt if, say, an actual pregnant lady gets on the train. This is also less useful if you are one of those commuters that recognises people on the train each morning - they may become suspicious when your baby bump does not get larger as the weeks go on. Pretending you are with-child will also thwart any chances of meeting 'the one' at that time in the morning, flirty glances are all very well but once he locks eyes on the bump you may hit a dead end.
4. Perfect your 'evil eye'. This one is tricky - you will have to tread a fine line between the general public thinking you're just a bit weird and you suddenly being arrested and held in police custody under anti-terrorism laws.
5. Get drunk. This can be achieved by either not going to sleep from the night before or having a breakfast beer or two. It may also make your morning commute a bit more exciting! However it could lead to you getting fired, which although would temporarily solve one problem (of physical contact so early in the morning) it also creates quite a few...
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